What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 28.06.2025 03:34
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I never cut or harmed myself..
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I was 9 years of age.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
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As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
So, i spoilt her more .
Comes on , in middle age.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
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He knew the spot.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
My family never makes their pension either.
But, we were locked up after school.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
What can you do if someone makes a false accusation against you?
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
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She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
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She wouldn,t have been !
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
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Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Put me off passion for life!!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
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They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He was dying to do it , i knew.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
What did i know ?
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I write beautiful poetry .
And i lived it daily.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
This is soul school!.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But it wasn’t much.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
She married twice! .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
We were not on the streets..
When she asked me how she looked .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Im still living with it.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Who then, do I blame.?
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
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I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I waited trembling.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I was seconnd youngest,
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
My life is so biszare .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I was scared of men, in general
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
She loved him until the end.
I said to her
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I will be 64.
Was to survive, this bastard.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I was very sick at this time too.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Why did i forgive my father ?
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
We all went to grammer schools
So whats the point in blame.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
It was going to be , some day.
She was in good health!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Ive learnt so much.
I have no regrets .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I don,t even have a pension.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
All the time i was locked up.
I think the readers, may guess!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Would this be the day?
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Especially a lifetime of it.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She found it foreign!.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
(And it was in our own minds.)
One cannot live in the past .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.